The world can sometimes feel impossible to navigate. During those periods of introspection and worry, our relationships anchor us. In uncertain times, they provide comfort and companionship. Our relationships can also challenge us and force us to confront issues and feelings that we may not be ready to address.

They can be overwhelming unless we can practice self-regulation and build healthy attachments. Attachment Theory was pioneered in the 1950s by researchers Harry Harlow, Mary Ainsworth, and John Bowlby. It focuses on how we forge bonds with our early caregivers and how these connections influence attachments throughout our lives.

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships — the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt

The patterns that define how we interact with others, what we expect from them, and what we feel we need in our relationships are often established in childhood.

Psychology tells us that attachment comes in four distinct styles:

• Anxious: Often stems from insecurity. We may constantly question how the other person feels or often worry that our partner isn’t as committed as they say they are. If you need constant reassurance or find yourself behaving in a clingy manner, your attachment may be an anxious one.
• Avoidant: An avoidant attachment is the opposite of an anxious one. This style is characterized by a need for independence. As a result, we may appear aloof or emotionally unavailable in our relationships.
• Secure: This is the healthiest attachment style and the foundation of a satisfying relationship. You’re comfortable with intimacy but are happy to be independent and don’t seek constant reassurance. This is likely our attachment style if we’re generally trusting and feel secure and happy.
• Disorganized: None of the other attachment styles entirely resonate. It is difficult for us to self-regulate our emotions. If we’re often accused of contradictory or unpredictable behavior, past traumas or habits from childhood may have led us to form a disorganized attachment style.

We can consciously create stronger, healthier relationships by mastering the art of self-regulation. Try these tips:

• Develop active listening skills: There’s listening, and then there’s active listening. When we actively listen, we don’t just hear the words. We also make an intentional effort to understand that person’s perspective. Being empathetic and honoring the other person’s thoughts and feelings can help us develop a deeper bond.
• Be conscious of how we communicate: We all live busy lives, and none of us can read minds. Communicating openly and being honest about our feelings isn’t just crucial for strengthening relationships. It’s critical to avoid misunderstandings. Owning our feelings and using ‘I’ when explaining how we feel to avoid shifting blame to the other person.
• Know our boundaries: Setting boundaries safeguards our well-being. Letting our partners know what we are and aren’t comfortable with on an emotional level. Telling them what’s just too much for us to manage, helps to avoid being overwhelmed and anxious.

Like what you’re reading? Want more consciously prepared brain food?

Listen to this Harvesting Happiness episode: Psychology of Healthy Attachment: Satisfying Relationships in an Uncertain World with Ann Kelley PhD or wherever you get your podcasts.

This episode is part of The Good Citizen’s Election Season Survival Guide to Restoring Common Sense and Sanity in a Crazy World — produced in collaboration with renowned, fair-minded subject matter experts who provide strategies that enhance critical thinking, increase civic engagement, and foster healthy pleasure to boost personal well-being and relationship satisfaction.

Take an even deeper dive with More Mental Fitness by Harvesting Happiness on Substack and Medium.

GUEST BIO: Ann Kelley, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice specializing in couples therapy focused on an integrative, attachment-based relational approach. Ann and her wife Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP, are co-authors of Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World and produce the critically acclaimed podcast Therapist Uncensored.

Secure Relating delivers hope, connection, and empowerment amidst the many barriers to emotional closeness and provocations towards self-protection by offering a comprehensive approach to understanding and transforming all kinds of relationships into more secure and satisfying bonds.